Saturday, May 11, 2013

This Mother's Day....

As the rest of my family drives away to a Saturday full of fun, I'm stuck at home, by myself.  Any other day I would rejoice in the peace and quiet but instead I'm trying to hold back my tears.  This Mother's Day weekend, I have to work.  I also am reflecting on Mother's Day pasts and what could have beens.  May 10, 2004 was the due date of our first pregnancy.  That pregnancy ended in miscarriage a week after we found out.  And, on that same day three years ago, I had my second miscarriage.  This weekend holds a special place in my heart.  I think about those two babies and wonder what would they have grown up to be had they survived.  According to the Chinese calendar for gender, both of those babies would have been boys:).  Oh, how our lives would have been different.

If we hadn't have lost the first one, I wouldn't have my beautiful Lauren and if we had not gotten pregnant with the third one, I wouldn't have known that we would have another child.  Brooke was an "oops" baby but she meant to be here no matter what.

I know that I will see those babies in Heaven one day and get to see their beautiful faces and I will know them immediately.  God is so good that way.

I'm not going to get to celebrate with family this Mother's Day weekend like most.  I will sleep it away. The joys of working night shift and also working weekends.  Mark and the girls took me out to eat last night and Mark bought me a beautiful potted plant.  Absolutely gorgeous.  Lauren came and snuggled with me this morning.  Mark is going to celebrate with his mom and family tomorrow evening. My family is getting together tomorrow evening as well.  We all are going to try and make that too.  If not, we will celebrate with my sweet Mama on Monday.  The one good thing about the rest of my immediate family being gone, is that when I get home in the morning, I can go straight to sleep and sleep and sleep.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the sweet mothers I know.  Your lives have been an influence on mine and for that I'm thankful.  Please remember those mothers who have lost their own mothers, have yet to hold their babies or had their babies taken too soon.  This day will be tough for them and they definitely need our prayers.

Happy Mother's Day!!

Friday, May 3, 2013

Failure, maybe?

This is something I have struggled with many times over my 34 years on this earth, failure. Starting something to only finish halfway or not even attempting before I even get started. In July it will be a year since I started WW. The last time I weighed like I was suppose to was February 22nd. As of that date I had lost almost 39lbs. I weighed this morning and I have gained about 13 pounds back. I'm not surprised.

We went to New York in December, then it was Christmas, then New Years and then I joined the gym and then life just got in the way. I quit tracking because I thought I could just keep up in my head. I thought well I'm maintaining this weight so I'm okay. Nope, doesn't work that way. I think I got burnt out on eating the same things over and over again. I got tired of tracking everything single thing on my phone. Stresses from life seemed to derail me as well. More often than not, I found myself eating ice cream, cake, chips whatever late at night after everyone else has gone to bed. I guess that was my distressing technique.

I failed again. I had goals that I wanted to reach. I had hoped to be back to my pre-pregnancy weight (like before Lauren) by this summer. If I had kept on track I would almost be there now. But instead I have got to lose this 13 lbs I have gained before I can keep going.

I will do this. I have to. I see what lies ahead for me in the future and I need to delay that for as long as possible, meaning diabetes, heart disease, and what ever else that will happen to me because I haven't taken care of this body.

I'm hoping that I can get back into exercising. I know this summer that is definitely going to be priority. I just know that I have to lose it. I have to get gung ho again and get back on track. I've done it before and I know I can do it again.