Friday, July 27, 2012

The First Weight In....

Last Friday I joined WW online.  I downloaded the apps to my phone and set to counting points.  This new PointsPlus plan they have now is AWESOME!!  Bananas are a free food now, score!  It was easy getting back into the swing of things.  The one thing that I had to really cut back on was creamer in my coffee...that was traumatic.  I love me some creamer but not 10 points worth!!

I ate out 3 nights this week and was still able to make good choices. We had a birthday party at work for a coworker and there was awesome cake and goodies and I didn't eat a thing!!!  I even exercised 3 times this week.   That was good as well considering I haven't done that in a good long while.

Anyways, for the weigh in.  I don't have a digital scale but I'm going to get one later on today.  I need to know even if I lose 2 tenths of a pound, it's still a loss.  So, this week I lost 6 pounds!!!!!  I'm so excited!!!  I haven't weighed this in over a year, 14 months exactly today:)  Happy 14 Month Birthday Brookie!!  I'm stoked.  This is really going to work for me.  Mark has been very encouraging as well as the rest of my family.  My coworkers have too and my friends that know I've started have been too.  I need as much encouragement as possible!!!

I'm going to do this.  I made it the first week and that was after going to a birthday party with pizza, working night shift, eating out 3 nights, and birthday party at work.  I can say no to things I don't need and I can resist temptation.  I just have to remember that this weight loss journey is going to take a while, it's not going to come off over night.  But, losing 6lbs. this week has helped with my determination.  That is a great start and I just need to keep going.  I know as the weeks go by I won't lose quite as much each time but even a little bit lost is still a loss!

Here's to happy counting!!!

Hope everyone has a great weekend and hopefully next week, success will be great again!!

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

From the Mouths of Babes and then some....

This past Thursday after Lauren's soccer game, we went out to eat at our Sir Pizza.  While we were eating we got on the topic of diabetes somehow and I was trying to explain to the girls what that was and how someone can develop it, etc.  I was trying really hard not to say the word "fat."  I don't like to say that word in front of my girls, it is negative in my opinion and I don't want my girls to grow up with self esteem issues like I have.  So, in my attempt to explain to them about diabetes, I said that people who are large can develop it and soon as that came out of my mouth, Lauren looks at me and says, "Fat people like you, Mama."

From the mouths of babes, only the truth.  I sat there with my mouth wide open and then replied, "Yes, like me. People like me can get diabetes."  At that exact moment, reality hit me right between the eyes and finally saw myself for what I really look like.  My daughter, not knowing she was being unkind, brought it home for me.  I am obese and I need to do something about it.

I have struggled with my weight my entire life.  As a small child, I was skinny.  I remember looking at pictures of myself as a little one and thinking how pretty and cute I used to be.  When I began elementary school, that all changed.  I began putting on weight.  In first grade, I was the heaviest child in the whole class and I remember thinking I was fatter than all of my classmates, even at 6 years old.  That was when my need to please and become a perfectionist started, I would make everyone happy so they would like me since I was fat.

I remember boys picking on my in grade school.  My sister's used to pick on me, but I was the annoying little sister:). That continued on into middle school.  It was harder then because puberty came really quickly for me and that was something else I had to deal with.  In high school, I was always the "friend", never the "girlfriend."  I would see all of my girlfriends dating all the older boys and I can remember wishing I were like them and why didn't these boys like me in that way?  It was because I was fat.  Through my 4 years, I lost about 30 pounds.  By the time, I graduated I looked normal but I didn't think I was.  I look back now and can't believe I felt that way about myself.  I WAS normal.

Throughout college, I exercised and watched what I ate and tried to live a healthy lifestyle.  After Mark and I got married, I was blissfully happy and gained about 15 pounds.  I joined Weight Watchers a few months after we were married and lost about 25 pounds.  I was the skinniest I had ever been!!  I loved it and then we decided to start a family.  It's been down hill ever since.

I have never lost all of my pregnancy weight.  I have tried but to no avail.  So now, I'm about 80 pounds heavier than what I was before we had kids.  Last Thursday night, words spoken from my sweet girl has brought to light the denial that I have been in.  I know I'm fat, my clothes prove it.  The scales prove it. What I see in the mirror proves it.  I just didn't know what to do about it.  It was too overwhelming.

They say that breastfeeding will help you lose weight.  I never could.  The thought of trying to lose weight and maintain my supply was too daunting and so I chose to keep my milk up instead.  So for this past year, I have maintained the same weight.  I chose to make milk for my daughter instead of losing weight for myself and I made it a year as seen in my other post.  Now, I'm ready to help myself.

I don't want to look like this anymore.  I don't want my girls to have a fat mama.  I want them to have a healthy mama.  So, this past Friday I joined WW online.  It has worked for me in the past and I'm going to make it work for me now.

As I am typing this, tears are streaming down my face.  I am so ready to get this weight off and yet I'm so scared I'm going to fail as I have so many times.  I know that with hard work and determination I can do this.  Food for me is comfort, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad.  I have to learn that food is a need and that is it.  It's going to be hard to break a habit that I have been doing for thirty three years.

I'm going to try and post about my progress on here.  My first weigh in is this Friday and I'm hoping for a good result.  I think if I have a good result it'll give me the motivation to keep going.  I also took a couple pictures of myself but I'm not ready to show those just yet.

I'm ready to focus on me.  For right now, we are done having children.  I'm ready to get my body back and do something for me.  Lauren, Claire, and Brooke need to have a healthy mama and I'm ready to give them that.  And, my hubby has also given me another reason to lose weight, we are going to NYC in December, just the two of us!!

I pray I can do this. I know the Lord helps those who helps themselves and I know that I  can do all things through Him that gives me strength. I need to always remember that!!!  This is going to be a long process but I know that.  I didn't gain it over night and I know that it's not going to come off overnight. I just pray that I don't get discouraged and that I keep my goals in check.

Here's to getting healthy!!!

Thursday, July 5, 2012

An Ending to a Milk Era....

It has come to an end.  All of the hard work and determination I had for 12 months has ceased. Brooke drank her last breast milk bottle (her last bottle ever) last night.  I thawed out my last bag. It's kind of weird actually.  She's had a bottle literally every night for the past 13 months and now we are done.  I just hope that we can get her down tonight without a bottle.  Thank goodness for the paci and her blankie.:)

I made it for a whole year.  I pumped for an ENTIRE YEAR.  Do you know who awesome that makes me feel?  To accomplish a goal I set out to do even with some setbacks.  I'm so proud of myself.  Honestly, I didn't think I would make it.  Pumping was a full time job in and of itself but I was determined and doggone it, I did it!!!

I pumped for the last time on Brooke's actual birthday, May 27, 2012.  It was kind of bittersweet knowing that something I had done every day, sometimes multiple times a day was ending.  I was happy, don't get me wrong, knowing I didn't have to lug that pump everywhere I went.  I think at times I was more attached to the pump then I was Brooke.  My "girls" and I had a very intimate relationship and I will have to say I'm glad that that relationship is now over.

I look back of the last year and think how on this earth did I do it?  Juggling all the duties of a new baby, taking care of my 7 year old and her needs, my 4 year old and her needs.  Driving here there and everywhere to preschool, elementary school, dance class, church, the grocery store plus doctor visits and just every day trips.  All of this while my husband was out of town for the most part, working 18 hour days, leaving in the morning and not coming home until the kids were in bed.  I pumped through it all and I'm sure some people think it's not that big of a deal, but it was.  This past year was hard for me. For me, going from 2 independent children to 3 kids, one needing everything was hard.  I couldn't just pick up and go anytime.  My house is constantly cluttered.  Laundry is always needing to be done.  I don't cook that much because for one, I'm not that good at it and two, I hate cooking.  I can't find time to exercise and when I do finally have time, I'm too pooped to even try.  I don't have enough hands, I'm completely outnumbered and it is stressful.  I admire those mama's who have many kids, who are like Mother Earth and feed their kids wholesome meals and their houses are always spotless and they breast feed and are as skinny as a rail.  I wish I were that but I'm not.  I have found that I constantly compare myself to those mama's and just set myself up for disappointment so making it a whole year pumping was one of the greatest accomplishments in my whole life.

So on to an new era, raising an almost 8 year old, a sassy 5 year old and a 1 year old destructo.   These girls have my heart in their hands and I love them with every fiber of my being.  The hubs won't be out of town too much (crossing my fingers on this one) and hopefully this year I can concentrate on me, getting myself into a much healthier state and losing three pregnancies' worth of weight.

I feel like its going to be a bumpy ride, I need to make sure to hang on for dear life:)!!