From the Mouths of Babes and then some....

This past Thursday after Lauren's soccer game, we went out to eat at our Sir Pizza.  While we were eating we got on the topic of diabetes somehow and I was trying to explain to the girls what that was and how someone can develop it, etc.  I was trying really hard not to say the word "fat."  I don't like to say that word in front of my girls, it is negative in my opinion and I don't want my girls to grow up with self esteem issues like I have.  So, in my attempt to explain to them about diabetes, I said that people who are large can develop it and soon as that came out of my mouth, Lauren looks at me and says, "Fat people like you, Mama."

From the mouths of babes, only the truth.  I sat there with my mouth wide open and then replied, "Yes, like me. People like me can get diabetes."  At that exact moment, reality hit me right between the eyes and finally saw myself for what I really look like.  My daughter, not knowing she was being unkind, brought it home for me.  I am obese and I need to do something about it.

I have struggled with my weight my entire life.  As a small child, I was skinny.  I remember looking at pictures of myself as a little one and thinking how pretty and cute I used to be.  When I began elementary school, that all changed.  I began putting on weight.  In first grade, I was the heaviest child in the whole class and I remember thinking I was fatter than all of my classmates, even at 6 years old.  That was when my need to please and become a perfectionist started, I would make everyone happy so they would like me since I was fat.

I remember boys picking on my in grade school.  My sister's used to pick on me, but I was the annoying little sister:). That continued on into middle school.  It was harder then because puberty came really quickly for me and that was something else I had to deal with.  In high school, I was always the "friend", never the "girlfriend."  I would see all of my girlfriends dating all the older boys and I can remember wishing I were like them and why didn't these boys like me in that way?  It was because I was fat.  Through my 4 years, I lost about 30 pounds.  By the time, I graduated I looked normal but I didn't think I was.  I look back now and can't believe I felt that way about myself.  I WAS normal.

Throughout college, I exercised and watched what I ate and tried to live a healthy lifestyle.  After Mark and I got married, I was blissfully happy and gained about 15 pounds.  I joined Weight Watchers a few months after we were married and lost about 25 pounds.  I was the skinniest I had ever been!!  I loved it and then we decided to start a family.  It's been down hill ever since.

I have never lost all of my pregnancy weight.  I have tried but to no avail.  So now, I'm about 80 pounds heavier than what I was before we had kids.  Last Thursday night, words spoken from my sweet girl has brought to light the denial that I have been in.  I know I'm fat, my clothes prove it.  The scales prove it. What I see in the mirror proves it.  I just didn't know what to do about it.  It was too overwhelming.

They say that breastfeeding will help you lose weight.  I never could.  The thought of trying to lose weight and maintain my supply was too daunting and so I chose to keep my milk up instead.  So for this past year, I have maintained the same weight.  I chose to make milk for my daughter instead of losing weight for myself and I made it a year as seen in my other post.  Now, I'm ready to help myself.

I don't want to look like this anymore.  I don't want my girls to have a fat mama.  I want them to have a healthy mama.  So, this past Friday I joined WW online.  It has worked for me in the past and I'm going to make it work for me now.

As I am typing this, tears are streaming down my face.  I am so ready to get this weight off and yet I'm so scared I'm going to fail as I have so many times.  I know that with hard work and determination I can do this.  Food for me is comfort, I eat when I'm happy, I eat when I'm sad.  I have to learn that food is a need and that is it.  It's going to be hard to break a habit that I have been doing for thirty three years.

I'm going to try and post about my progress on here.  My first weigh in is this Friday and I'm hoping for a good result.  I think if I have a good result it'll give me the motivation to keep going.  I also took a couple pictures of myself but I'm not ready to show those just yet.

I'm ready to focus on me.  For right now, we are done having children.  I'm ready to get my body back and do something for me.  Lauren, Claire, and Brooke need to have a healthy mama and I'm ready to give them that.  And, my hubby has also given me another reason to lose weight, we are going to NYC in December, just the two of us!!

I pray I can do this. I know the Lord helps those who helps themselves and I know that I  can do all things through Him that gives me strength. I need to always remember that!!!  This is going to be a long process but I know that.  I didn't gain it over night and I know that it's not going to come off overnight. I just pray that I don't get discouraged and that I keep my goals in check.

Here's to getting healthy!!!